I’m trying really hard not to be a complete emotional wreck but when I’m alone, I can’t help it. One tear wells up as I think about how wonderful life is with her purring on my lap as I’m watching NCIS, another one follows it thinking how I will never have that again. And then a flood follows thinking about how much I miss her. I don’t want this, I don’t want this!

i knew I’d have to say goodbye one day but I had always thought it would be far, far in the future when we were both grey haired old ladies sitting on the porch watching the fireflies. My heart aches in so many colors right now. I can’t even express how ALONE I feel. Even though Vern has been with me (and he has been wonderful) it doesn’t change that the kitten I nursed, whose bottom I washed, the girl I loved and played with and cuddled with, whose fur I brushed until she was soft and shining, my best friend is gone. My heart is open and full of grief.

i would give a million dollars to have her back. Please, God, have mercy and send her back to me.

second is that we won the lottery.  or rather, Vern won it and I got to go along for the ride.  It’s been very overwhelming to go from a budget for everything to having everything paid off.  Of course, the first thing we will be doing is buying a house – I’m actually pretty excited about house shopping!  The last house was not a choice I was able to make, so this time getting to pick the things I want/need is very liberating.

but those who dance must pay the piper.  Ria has been pretty sick with a pukey-disease (she is vomiting everything she eats); we’ve done xrays and they show no blockages.  I started her back on Prednisone (oh, irony) and it seems to have helped her keep food down this morning.  I won’t even wince at telling you last night I was in tears thinking about a life without her.  Amazing that an animal can bring so much to your life.

oh, and my hair is pink. bright pink. bright OMGWTFBBQ pink. the bleach attacked and this was the only way I could cover the battle scars.

I started working out! omg! and boy it hurts. but i have muscles in places i don’t think i’ve EVER had muscles, and i dropped a pants size so I’m going to vote that a good change.

sudden realization the other day (and inspiration for me blogging about it? maaaaaaybe) all throughout my teenage years, I was looking for somewhere to belong. a community, somewhere where I’d be special. I was looking to be different and exotic… i mean, single white female is about as generically white bread as it gets. so now that I live up here in the frozen tundra of MT, I have realized – I’m from the South. I *am* special. a lot of people may see being a southerner as a detriment, but I learned how to be gracious and forgiving. and I learned to love sweet tea and grits (and sometimes livermush, sometimes) and pulled pork barbecue, hot days in the sun and cooler nights huddled next to the citronella candle on the porch. i grew up listening to thunderstorms shake the house in the summer, and cherishing the dustings of snow we got in the winter. I grew up respecting my family (even if my mouth told them I didn’t, in my heart I always have) and now that I’m so far away, I crave to be closer again. I guess I had to go to the other end of the country to figure out what I really had. there’s things about us that I’m not proud of (it IS the Bible belt; tolerance doesn’t come as easy for some as it does for others) but… this struggle to reconcile is part of who I am, the dichotomy between the traditional and the progressive. that IS who I am, and I am not ashamed.

i know, i’m waxing lots of poetic verse here but… tl;dr – YAY US.